dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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