my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
