Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
