I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Randomize
