Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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