my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
