Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
