Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
