Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
The uberlube is also flammable
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
