if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
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The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
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drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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