he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
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