Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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