Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
