make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
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I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
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Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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