I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Randomize
