We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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