I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
