The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Randomize
