last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
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