If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
