There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
I did not marry a roomba.
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