Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
