You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
