I should be sponsored by Trojan
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
