shes about as inviting as chlamydia
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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