Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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