Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Randomize
