Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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