also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
