Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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