after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
