you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
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I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
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IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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