wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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