I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
