Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Randomize
