Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
