The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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