i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
