I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
