You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
