Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
