I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
