Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
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