Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
