Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
