How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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