the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
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