I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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