Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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