If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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