Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
your like the ambassador to my penis.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize