Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
