Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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