Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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