My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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