i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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