Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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