You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
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