You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
