i think i have two assholes
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
