if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
